Binding Thoughts

2010-09-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

Making lemonade out of lemons...or God working all things to the good...or some saying that somehow can communicate that at least out of my personal life tragedy something good has come in that it has brought me back to blogging. Facebook must be blocked and I don't know if its a sign of the times or my own weakness but the internet calls and I must answer.

So, I find my self in the dusty ole, off the beaten path, shadows of the blogoshere. Its been a while for me. And today, I think blogging is much better than facebooking. Healthier perhaps. I feel like the days when I was a blogger I had more heart. Facebooking is like eating way too much candy.

Perhaps I will find some part of myself that has been forgotten by the changing tides.

2010-01-12T09:26:00.001-08:00

I am sitting in Starbucks on University Street in Lubbock, Texas. My hair is still dirty as I was uninspired to shower this morning in my Motel 6 hotel room. I filled my mind with ESPN, CNN, browsed a Cosby episode where Rudy is sleeping in her mother's room because she is scared of something in her own. The Cowboys have been performing well in the past few weeks and seem to have hope in the play-offs. Mark McQuire finally admitted to steroid use - duh.

Yesterday, I inched my way out of town and responsibility about 2pm. I tried to wrap up all the details with fire-pit and recruiting help. Hopefully it went well. I am sure it did. I drove up 183/84 north. I don't think I have ever traveled that route in its entirety. I noticed that it held a Texas Hill Country and almost west Texas Canyon type of feel the whole way. It almost seemed to be a seam right through the state in my mind zipping up the central part of the state.

Early on, I made the call and scheduled my first guitar lesson in Colorado Springs. The instructor Lindsey seems like she might be my age. After that my mind wondered about the grand possibilities of a neighborhood "big band" and had grandiose visions of our motley crew creating totally new, raw, fusion music in some a grass-roots, folksy kind of way that would echo the best stories you read from the old days where music was created out of nothing but heart and story and people being together.

I listened to songs, listening to the lyrics and how they were written. I thought that I should look at words ans which words resonate with me - like "Moxy" and also think of the neighborhood phrases that have become familiar to me "AL-READY" or "Snap-ya" or "Break some bread with me".

I thought about writing songs that would elude to the stories we have covered at Fire-pit somehow. I listed tho Third Day and wondered how we could also have songs that really, by faith glorified God.

On the phone, I talked with Sara about Taos and coming for a visit. I talked with dad and mom also and she shared with me about her sunday school lesson about the temptation of Christ - and how he used the Word as the authority and defense in his conversations with Satan. As I am thinking now of entering into this time alone - I have not suspected any spiritual attack...but I suppose in being somewhat isolated I should be sober and vigilant aware of that prowliing lion who seeks the one he can devour with his subtle lies and lurings.

I drove by Sara Watters studio in Slaton. The lights were on and cars were outside but I didn't see movement so I didnt pursue it. I may swing by Texas Tech in a bit to see if she is there. I also tried to contact Kasi with little luck.

A phone call with Ryan and hotel shopping ended the day. A dinner of Starburst ta-boot.

I noticed this morning that I had driven 399 miles. I suppose it is almost the same exact distance from Austin to Lubbock as it is from home, Woodland, Texas to Lubbock.

2007-01-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

An opporunity presents itself in NYC February 22-24. Go to http://iamny.org for more information.

2006-12-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

Fun times on SOCO in Austin.

2006-12-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

2006-12-18T10:04:00.001-08:00

2006-12-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

6 is a good number to go camping with. Our campsite was nothing spectacular, but we had a fire...something we fought for...and we were dedicated to her...never leaving her alone. In return she provided many stories and songs and good companions.

2006-12-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

2006-11-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

O Lord, make us instruments of Thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let us sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that we may not

So much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born into eternal life.

- St. Francis

2006-10-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Best Place for Breakfast in Austin...

2006-10-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

The snow scene is no longer available...only Ranch House and Venice are available. Thank you to everyone out at South Congress today!!!

2006-10-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

The paintings that are currently available are Ranch House Cafe, The snow scene with the trees, and the Venice painting. Saturdat, I will be painting down on South Congress accross from Taco Geuro from 1:30 til whenever...for anyone not interested in the UT game.

2006-09-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

2006-09-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

2006-09-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

I finished this one tonight....

2006-09-05T16:18:00.000-07:00

For Tricia Dealy

2006-09-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

SOLD.

2006-09-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

2006-08-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

2006-08-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

2006-08-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

2006-08-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

FROM CHAPTER 4

" How often do you think of energy as a resource to cultivate versus to expend?"

"Here's another energy paradox: Energy increases with use."

"Watch your life over then ext week. Notice when your energy is deplete and how it renewed...Yuu may notice specific practices you need to cultivate in order to enhance your energy more consistently"

"The Became which is not Becoming in it will soon fade-soon fade into a recollection instead of a realization" - E. Stanley Jones.

"Calling is as much about becoming someone as it is discovering something to do"

"When our energy is depleted, we tend to view renewal as a major overhaul that requires a long vacation and a total reformation of life...But when this is our view, we end up postponin energy renewal for another or better day...Energy renewal i scultivated in the NOW. Your everday schedule must be oraganized in a way that allows for renewal and restoration...take frequent mini-vacation during the day...we eat snacks for the same reason"

2006-08-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have set a goal to prepare one meal at home per week. I know this may seem small to some...but it is quite a commitment for me. There will be NO rules or limitations to what I prepare...it may as as simple as melted cheese on chips as long as I prepare it, at home.

So, upon realizing that I have been back in Austin for exactly one week today...and having not prepared a meal at home (except for heating up left overs)...I hit the grocery store. Overstimulated and overwhelmed I found my self wandering aimlessly through the aisles not knowing where to begin.

I decided that tacos would be a good first start. By the time I got tortillas and cheese I was already up to $3 ( You can get two tacos at Jack in the Box for .99 ). I still needed lettuce, meat, tomoatoes, etc. Forget the Tacos and pat myself on the back for all of that wise stewardship Ive been doing.

Back to it...I have budgeted $6 for this endevor.

So..the results:
1 Greenhouse tomatoe
1 Pink Lady Apple
1 can Bush Baked Beans
1 6 pack of small canned Cokes (staple)
1 Lipton Rice Brocolli/Cheese
2 potatos
= $5.77

I am going for a swim and then completeing my task. I spent 45 minutes in the store and have not begun to cook or consume yet. The idea of cooking is much more beautiful...but the praciticality of it when cooking for one seems a little crazy.

Ill let you know how it goes.

2006-07-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Image survey results: http://breathe-in-art.livejournal.com/

2006-06-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

9:00 walked down Broadway to the Studio to get my papers
9:15 walked back to Herald Towers to meet Ross
9:30 Breakfast with Ross and discussion over the Emergent Church
11:30 walked to Starbucks by the Empire in the rain, got mocha and found a spot in the corner
12:00 talked to Libby on the phone
12:30 read through papers, watched people pass by with umbrellas, drank in my coffee
2:00 took the NRW subway to 59th/5th ave walked through Central Park
2:30 went into the Metropolitan Museum of Art
5:30 walked back through Central Park
7:00 ate dinner with Allison and Kevin
10:30 rearranged furniture and listened to music (rare this summer)
1:00 blog and sleep....
one of my favorite days in New York.

2006-06-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had the feeling that I was at a holiday celebration and a family member was missing. I think it was like the Christmas after my granddad died and it just wasnt the same...it was a time of joy....but you just wished everyone was there.

2006-06-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I have forgotten to have faith in a God bigger than the possible...who wants to heal fully....but wants us to have faith in a God that can and wants to heal fully. I have forgotten to believe in the miraculous...the supernatural...the divine...and if I forget too long, I wonder what faith becomes...and what/who I am really having faith in? Who is the God I am believing in with my heart? I think often He is different than the one I believe in my head and in my words...and the theological One.

Ive got to get back to faith in the true God and not the one I have let slip in. To whom else can we go, Jesus? You have the words of life...and so, my hope lives on...but I hope that it will move from my head to my heart yet it can only be through faith and the gracious touch of Christ to heal my blindness.

2006-06-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Head in her hands
Face shaken with shame

Beauty in her weary eyes
She silences her name

Legs swolen with disease
Feet feeble from the rain

Hands reaching for some life to give
Heart bending in the pain

2006-06-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

We live in an enchanted world. My favorite muscicians are the ones in the subways of New York.

2006-05-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Humans are amazing creatures...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

2006-05-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

Ive never really thought of my mom as "my best friend". She has always been a mother to me first...she has never tried to be cool...or be my friend. I cant imagine a more perfect fit for a friend for me than her though. Last time I was home we sang old gospel songs with an out of tune guitar and with our best western-swing redneck accents that we could muster...and convinced ourselves that we really sang better that way...that we had found our true voice...as we died laughing. Today. we talked on the phone for a few hours. She told me what they learned in Sunday School...and we discussed it for a while. She knows my moodiness...encourages my silliness...and endures my questions and opinions. She serves me faithfully...and I love her dearly. My granddad used to tell me that he loved me...and I would say, "I love you, too"...and he would just nod his head and say, emphantically.."more than you'll ever know". I really do love my mom and dad...more than they will ever know. We are not a very emotional family...and yet their love and lives have been steady and faithful. They are always the same...yet only becoming more loving. I do not know why I have been so blessed...but I am very thankful for my mother this mother's day.

2006-05-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

Ive been cheating with myspace...Im sorry blogspot. Ive sold out for the cheap, late night, sugary thrills and quick, "new comments", and "new messages". I will return.

2006-04-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

Why I am Brian McLaren's Friend...because he writes stuff like this:

"So salvation is joining God's mission instead of trying to live by our own selfish, personal agenda. The issus isnt being saved, born again, or crossing the live...it is following Jesus, joining in his adventure and mission of saving the world and expressing God's love" pg 131 of " A New Kind of Christian""Has He (Jesus) become ( I shudder to ask this) less out Lord and more our mascot? Lord means "master" (the very opposite of mascot...." from : pg 83 of " A Generous Orthodoxy"

"The gospel as he has understood it was about saving individual souls. He had begun having some problems with it. 1) It smacked of selfishness...would God want a heaven full of people who wanted to be "saved" but didnt necesarilly want to be good? If we pitch the whole story as, "Do you want to go to heaven or hell?, he said, we run the risk of attracting people who want salvation from hell without necessarily salvation from sin." : pg 82 "A New Kind of Christian"

" Sure it has answers, but I dont think that is the point. Think of a math book, Dan. Is it valuable because it has the answers in the back? No, its valuable because by working through it, by doing the problems, by struggling with it, you become a wiser person, a person capable of solving problems....The whole answer book approach is what modern people want the Bible to be": pg 52 "A New Kind of Christian"

"Then I added six words: "To be and make disciples of Jesus Christ in authentic community for the good of the world." That last phrase brings the essence of missional into the equation. It says that Christians are not the end users of the gospel. It says that the gospel of Jesus is not "all about me". pg. 119 " A Generous Orthodoxy"

" Missional faith asserts that Jesus came to preach the good news of the kingdom of God to everyone, especially the poor. He came to seek and save the lost. He came on behalf of the sick. He came to save the world. His gospel and therefore the Christian message , is good news for the whole world. The idea that the Christian message is universally good news for Christians and non Christians alike is , to some, unheard of, strange, and perhaps heretical.......Jesus was a Jew and so saw Himself as one of Abraham's descendants. Abraham's original contact with God involved a kind of mission statement: I will bless you, God said, and I will make you a blessing to others. I will make your name and nation great, God said, and through you, all nations will be blessed. " pg 120 " A Generous Orthodoxy"

Brian McLaren encourages me through his writings to bring people into the Kingdom of God not to buy a ticket out of hell and learn all the right answers...but to receive salvation from the living God, through Jesus Christ, so that we can be a blessing to the world....salvation is about more than me and you consuming. He encourages to seek more truth than ever and to believe in a God bigger than our modern era can hold.

2006-04-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my granddaddy Carter's B-day...remember the words of wisdom he gave me:

Just laugh
and love
Be strong
Be happy

Live a simple life.
Be yourself...
and
Keep the faith.....

2006-04-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

Here's the painting I just finished for my roomate.....

2006-03-31T19:37:00.000-08:00

Sweet Communion

He leaning, whispering a request: a kiss on the cheek from
she, there with him in the shadows of the dimly lit room.

She smiling, nodding, shaking her head..."no".
Others...Rising, solemly, slowly...contemplating sins.
one by one by one. Clean and fresh young faces with
wrinkled jeans and dirty sneakers drifting toward the sacred.

She now rising..motioning..."come"..an unspoken, "you are welcome at our table".
She dipping the bread in the wine, taking turn, taking time.

In a moment this wanderer opens a window to grace:
with cut, unclean hands
embracing the cup
drinking deeply the blood
washing fully with love without measure
taking wholly the body
eating with pleasure...

Policy forgotten. The Lord and she smiled.
Such profound truth in such quiet gesture.

2006-03-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

2006-03-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

Here is evidence that he still exists...for those of us who were wondering...the photo is a bit blurry but the body language is unmmistakable....

2006-02-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

Spring ushers in the revival of the soul...but faithfulness restores it.

2006-02-26T18:27:00.000-08:00

a/new voice/a thaw/a heart what unravels/when beauty bows/bows and bends to her knees

lilting/silent/sweet/catching grace with a net/sweeping humility/sweeping humility with pieces of peace

raw/yet raw/greys reveal reds and reds, what remains/Master grant mercy/upon these two bedfellows/self-consumption and blame

2006-02-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

You make sacrifices when you love someone or something....You count the costs...and if you are not willing to count the costs...how bad do you really want it? How much do you really love...how much do really believe? A friend of mine recently told me about this old boyfriend that she used to love and would give up her lunch hour every day just drive across town to see him for one minute, and buy him lunch. This guy never did anything sacrificial or anything just for her. If he did anything nice...it always benefitted him too. I guess this has made me evaluate some of my own loves, friendships and beliefs...it makes me wonder how much Im worth to others..and how much I truly value the things I say I value...perhaps I decieve myself too often with words and no action. You must loose your life to save it. Jesus calls me to take up my cross daily to follow Him. He laid down his life for me....He did make the sacrifice...before I ever considered Him....no strings attached...to show His love...

If I say I love, care, believe, want....am I willing to count the cost for the result. I make a fool of myself otherwise.

2006-02-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

Does anyone out there in the wild web wonder have any opinions on what the best road-trip-karaoke songs are for a group a three girls? I would like to compile a top ten list for future trips...so far:
Jack and Dianne..(litte ditty bout Jack and Dianne...2 'merican kids doin the best they can.....you know you know it)
Livin on a Prayer(whoa...were half way ther..WHOOOAA livin on a prayer..take my hand..)

...but what else...? Staci, Dawn and I gave a rockin show tonight...but Tricia...if you are out there...know, I did think of you....especially when we came across Gold Digger and no one else knew the words....sad. Staci and I did have a great duet on the country song....."If you get there before I do....dont give up on me....."(its a tear jerker...but a goodie). Good Times.

2006-02-17T14:18:00.000-08:00

Plushenko wins it. I love Russians. Did you know this guys left home at age 11 to pursue this? We wont even leave our squishy chair to follow through with things that we say we are passionate about...Any way...I am sure there is more to the story...but...was proud that a Russian took it.

2006-02-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

Applied to Minneapolis College of Art and Design MFA program today...keep crying every time a Russian competes in the Olympics....its Valentines Day....and well....Im always hopeful for next year...so who knows what the future holds for Melinda Carter.

2006-02-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

so...its Friday night. Its been a good week. For some reason when things are good...I am less likely to write. I suppose the more melancholy side of me is suppressed during those times. I had some great conversations this week...It has been good to be back in Austin. Last weekend I did some painting. I was hoping to again this weekend...but it looks like the weather may prevail. I just watched the movie "Must Love Dogs".....kind of a divorcee version of "You've Got Mail". It was okay...but....I am hoping my other rental, "War of the Worlds" is a little more thrilling.

2006-01-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. My brother and sister-in-law and mom and dad will sit in mom’s red kitchen, trading places in front of the little heaters….much like geese trade places in the front of the V. They will have good conversation and a little bit of teasing…and they will have full bellies from a hearty, home-cooked lunch.

I am sitting in the “Starbucks next to Costco,” as one lady put it as she talked on her cell phone. She didn’t let her son study for the Taks test..she wants to know what his raw intelligence is. I am in Lewisville waiting for an appointment. I woke up around 5 am and took Libby to the airport so she could go to Siberia. Then, I drove here, unrolled the mat I keep in my car for times such as these…and pulled my quilt all the way over my head. My stomach felt like it was heaving up and down like a dog’s stomach looks when they stop after a long hard chase; I went into a deep sleep. I liked hearing the rain on the roof of my car. I was lonely for a second…and then, I was happy to be sleeping in my car, alone, in the rain, at the Starbucks next to Costco.

2006-01-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

I don't love people...Unless they earn it. This really isn't how Jesus works. I have my own little paradigm of what makes them "worthy" of my love. Usaully, if they are in my life long enough...I get weak and end up loving them even if they dont pass the initial test....but....I think somewhere inside I have always prided myself that I am choosy about whom I bestow my love upon. (I know...its horrible..and full of pride...and false ego). People that I once loved can also fall out of my graces if I so choose to change my paradigm or if they drift out of my graces. Its the kind of a withholding process....Its a scarcity mentality...as if there is only so much love to go around...and I can t waste it on those who dont prove reliable and promise good enough return. Jesus selected people to be his closest friends/disciples....but did he withhold love from everyone else? Doubtful. He did withhold love from the Pharisees( Im talking love in the Phileo sense). Or maybe He didnt...maybe they still felt loved by Him eventhough He rebuked them. Its possible. Ive been rebuked harshly by people that I know love me. to be continued...

2006-01-21T21:30:00.000-08:00

In light of recent personal financial catastrophe...and recent thoughts of needing to be more interdependent....I welcomed my brothers offer today to be part of his family cell plan.....no longer will those minutes, monthly fees and taxes...credit checks and customer service representatives(is that really an appropriate name for them? ....hmmm...yet I digress..), be mine to bear alone....now myself, my grandmother, and my brother will share 1400 glorious minutes per month..... so I will have a new number...and...you wont have the luxery of chatting with Grandmommy if you call...we all have our own numbers.

2006-01-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

My parents live way out in the country. Our dogs run wildly taking in the cool, country air. Two nights ago they became murderers. Apparantly, Mr. Eddings from acrros the highway let his little inside dauchtsun out a little too long. It is a mysterious thing because our two dogs that were cought in the act, are both females...and this thing was a male....and they took him down. Sadly, he didnt make it. My dad told an angry Mr. Eddings that he would do what he could. He decided he couldnt take the thought of Spooky(prime supspect) being tied up...so he would give her away to a good home. Yesterday morning he took her to his Habitat for Humanity site to see if there would be any takers. Soon after, Spooky was on the loose and would ensue a long pursuit from my dad. After searching long and hard..she was no where to be found.
This morning ..he went back to the site to see if she had returned. There she was...waiting. She would not be fooled by weanies leading her into the truck though..and refused to be had. My father spent the next 10 hours luring her 25 feet at a time accross town to his shop. He would drive with her running beside...but she would not get in. It took all day to go from far west Paris to east Paris. There were many helpers and hindrances along the way. One man in a wheel chair with one leg tried to help get Spooky captured once again...but his wife who he had saved from the bad people some time ago..kept distracting their efforts as she made frequent trips to their cooler in the car for cokes and cookies. It turns out they dont have a refrigerator. Another woman got out of her car....she was in a hospital gown and attached to an IV. She wanted $5...and yet again..Spooky was spooked. A block from my dad's shop....after crossing Loop 286 and four lanes of traffic....Dad turned left on 42nd...and Spooky stayed straight. It is a tragic tale of love and loss....after may miles and many tales...Spooky is gone.

2006-01-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

A few days after I wrote the former post..I read Kingdom of Couches by Will Walker. http://walker.typepad.com
Along with some other thoughts..I came to the hypothesis that my lack of thought and passion could be partly because of my like of community and fuel to the fire. A lack of intimacy of friendships...and a lack of iron sharpening iron...

2006-01-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

I recently wrote a post that was erased...it had to do with a parade and the aftermath. You know, the still, stale air...the lone balloon in the crevase of a building....the smells of caramel and urine. banners and flags lay trampled in a puddle of mud and confetti. Hours before, dynamic life moved rythmically through enthusiatic energy.....beating up an down the streets. Yet, now...there is only wreckage and business as usual. Not so long ago, my mind was filled with thought, questions, dialogue....motioning back and forth...and somehow...that show has made its way through..and I sit wondering where it has gone...and why....

2005-12-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

2005-12-22T23:23:00.000-08:00

So...I know...the last post was really cheesy...I am in a more sober mood now and can see that very clearly...and some have implied that the pic with the sheet is as well....but....you know....its going to come out eventually. Usually it is this factor(the cheesiness) that would make me not like a person initially...or as soon as it came out..this...but we all have it some where....Im sorry you have had to witness this. Its not the venerability that I dont want you to see....its the phrases like "and boy am I glad" from two days ago...or "this American Dream of falling in love"...so maybe its a certain type of venerability I dont want you to see.

2005-12-20T21:08:00.000-08:00

After a movie or during a song...or at a party...or in a home...I am soaking in the American Dream of falling in love. Why does it scare the heck out of me to not think about it all the time. I am scared to let God and others fill my thoughts afraid that the hope of love will drift away without my careful attending.

2005-12-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

My cousin Ryan(see photo)drew my name this year at the annual draw-a-name-of-a- cousin-and-get-them-a-gift-for-Christmas-Thanksgiving-extravaganza....and boy am I glad. You never know what you will get...its hit or miss. There have been lots of fake smiles on all sides. All I wanted for Christmas this year was a digital camera. I was hoping for a long shot with my parents. I was going to ask them to get me nothing else but a digital camera. All this to say...I will not be pouting on Christmas day because Ryan went a smidge over budget this year. Did anyone see the Office Space episode....(Ipod and yankee swap)...Well, thats why I got my gift on the Dl before everyone else could think of such things...who knows I could very well have ended up with an oven mit.

2005-12-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ive heard that as long as people ask you why you are not married...that its a good thing...its when they stop asking...then you should worry....well, I kind of take the same thought with my trips to Home Depot. Inevitably, when I pile up 32+ 2X4s on my big, rolling, metal cart...some retired man will say, "are you building all that yourself". I sometimes get a complimentary lesson on what the "belly" or "crown" of a board is..when and when not to use clamps,etc. So..all I am saying is...I guess its a good thing that I dont look like a contractor or something...that I either come off as some what feminine...or a really wimpy boy....

2005-12-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Last night: Poker, Sequence, Quality Conversation with Mike, Staci, Peter(our new American/German friend), chipping ice off of windshields with wood blocks, sliding backwards down Southwest Pkwy at 1 am. Getting Picked up by Mike, Staci, Peter. Sleepin on a pallette at Mike and Staci's bedside. One of my favorite nights in Austin thus far.

2005-12-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

Last Starbucks gift card for Melinda:
$10.00(126/05) from Tricia

Thanks Tricia....

There is nothing like being bundles up in your garage drinking a hot cup o tea, shoveling buttered popcorn in your mouth, listening to some good blues music on your drill/radio, and working on some art stuff....and to top all that off...you hear a car door slam...a friend saying "Millie...are you in there?"...and you opening the garge door to find one said friend with a red little "wish" ornament in hand ( The Starbucks Gift Card). There is nothing like it. It was a good night. I was so giddy, I couldnt sleep.

2005-12-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

"Re-inventing the Wheel". I like doing it. Can you imagine if because someone already made a good love song....like if because we already had," CRAZY" written by Willie Nelson and sung by Patsy Cline...that everyone was like...well, theres already a good love song about loving someone( who treats you bad)...so why "re-invent the wheel" and write another love song. Or if because we already had a good car that worked with the station wagon(and carried lots of people)... Why reinvent the wheel and come up with the LandRover...or why come up with the ELEMENT after the Jeep Cherokee? I dont mind if you dont want to be the one to reinvent the wheel....but some of us like to. There is value in reinventing the wheel: not only do you get to learn more about the wheel...because you yourself have to discover what makes a wheel, its functions, color,etc....BUT you also might might put your own spin on it and make a new kind of wheel that appeals to a different crowd. I mean what if a mom was like,"O honey, dont waste your time with that drawing of a house..."we wouldnt want to reinvent the wheel"...we already have plenty of good ones that your brother did."

2005-12-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Art Grad Schools. No idea where to start. Google: MFA Studio Art....only 63,004 choices...or something like that. So..I start with what "feels" good..."I think I would like to live in the NE"...not the SW..all schools in CA and COL. are out. Crappy Website: OUT. "God, please direct me to the right schools"...Michigan seems cold. Schools with yellow bricked buildings:out.

2005-11-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

House Warmings and Open Houses...cookies and ciders and Komodo Dragons....its been a good fall. If only we had a Joe, we coudlve just as well as been Kathleen Kelly these days.

2005-11-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

Im 28. I am a full grown woman. Isnt that strange? Ive been thinking about it lately....how I am much more than officially an adult...I am a grown up. Its just odd. Jana Holly...no comments from you....

This could have numerous implications on my life...Did I already post something like this? Well...anyway...its still on my mind.

2005-11-25T07:53:00.000-08:00

When you realize that there are a few people that read your blog here and there...it makes you rethink what you would write. If I were having conversations with each of them...okay..you...then we would talk about different things. Its wierd how I can not know who I really am outside the context of others. Like yesterday...being around all the Thanksgiving family...and wondering why I cant just "be myself"....whatever the heck that means. I know that I dont like who I am in the context of the extended family: you know, the unmarried one - who cant cook and doesnt know how to wash dishes (Its true about the cooking...but I CAN wash a dish or two)...and all. Anyway, all of my insecurities come out and I try to joke around...and its never funny. I kind of just get these blank, confused stares. Anyway...maybe when I am old and alone I will know who I am and I can entertain myself.

2005-11-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

A constant beeping noise.an alarm of some sort is sounding off here in the backgorumd. I am not sure why...and I am not sure why it continues. This morning at Pine Cone...alarms started going off around 6:30 am. Hurrying getting bags packed, hair drying...rushing....we have the week "off" and everyone was in a hurry. Whenever I was packing up my own car...I looked at a spider's web...then the waves on the lake..and the wooden pier...and wondered, why its so hard to just be still, rest, be "where you are".

2005-11-16T15:35:00.000-08:00

Here Tricia (teammate) and I are at Mozarts - Austin's Premier Coffee Shops on the Lake.Tricia is getting married Dec. 11. She will be leaving out team...I wish she were not leaving our team. BOO Hoo. I cut my hair today...so this will be the last documented photo of the old hair which had grown old considerably.

2005-11-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

no more talk of money and the lack there of....dont worry..I have not been driven to the Town Lake Bridge in hopelessness...I just couldnt figure out why I couldnt post any more drawings and my blogging efforts have been thwarted. I have had a good few weeks. I have been enjoying many good conversations with students...rolling windows down, painting in my garage and drinking canned coca-cola classic as often as I may. I actually had my first decent experience grocery shopping in months( many of you know how much I loath the gorcery shopping experience. Last night...rolled my buggy in and began to look at some fruit....and eventhough a man stole my buggy...I didnt let it take me down...I just grabbed another buggy (probably his actual buggy) and rolled on to the bananas (I know how to spell it from the song). One other thing that "Hot Pockets" should know: photos of the inside of a pizza pocket are not a good selling point.

2005-11-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Well....I have to give it up to the Big Man. I was laying in bed this morning...wondering just how I was going to pay rent today. I had no money..the bank account still lies in a puddle of red after the overdraft slaughter....and the only cash I have is just enough for a few more frappacinnos. Anyway...so Im laying there praying...saying , "God, save me....I know I screwed up...and I have no idea how Im going to come up with $450 dollars today...but....Im ready to hear the plan..." When I came home last night the roomate had left a note saying for me to leave the check out this morning....this was really tricky because we all know I couldnt do that. So , I left her a note saying that I wouldnt be able to leave the check out it the morning because...I would be working all day to round up the money( I had no idea how...but....) Well....when I walked downstairs this morning, still wondering how God was going to get me out of trouble this time....I found a new note with a propostion: if I would paint her a painting....no rent needed this month. YAYAYAYAYAY!!! Grace wins again!!!!

2005-10-31T15:09:00.000-08:00

Additional Salary...I had high hopes of paying rent on time. 30% was taken out. Can you believe it? I dont understand. Megan ( of Richard and Megan) is having a poker party tonight...double or nothing.

2005-10-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

I am too ashamed to tell you just how many $34 overdraft fees Ive been whipped and stoned with over the past few days....almost all of which were under $4 charges....AND one more backhand today from not only Bank of America but Micorosoft Online as well. WAY back in April...you know when I was laid up from back surgery with a staph infection, getting IV treatments around the clock...I was at my parents needing the internet...not knowing that they already had a service I signed up for a dial-up and never figured out how to re-nig on it. Well, evidently they have been drafting $21 from my account each month. I didnt take note until today when coupled with another red -$34...making the number to be climbed over a little larger....then...well...sadness a deep sadness....and there is no grace from these companies..they listen to no sweet talk or sob stories...its just cold hard truth and ...cash for them. Im glad for the grace plan in my life......the policies and rules suck. I know I should be a better steward dang it!!!! I KNOW!!!!! and if anyone writes me back with "financial" advice or the name of some Larry Burkett book....I will probably rip the tires off your car and pull your underwear over your headand stuff them in your mouth. ........okay, so maybe its not all that dramatic...I just need a black number somewhere people.

2005-10-24T14:05:00.001-07:00

2005-10-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

So..I am sitting in a Lubbock Starbucks...looking over my shoulder wondering if I know that person...or ever did. Its kind of a weird feeling. I like being here...but Im kind of like a little sparrow with no where to rest my little wings. I have a few people to hang out with here...and I probably do know quite a few people in Lubbock...but I dont keep up with them anymore. Lubbock is full of pleasant people and I like it. I like how is is laid out in a grid. It is just a good ole' Texas, Tejas "friendly" town. ..no one seems to be too downcaszt from yesterdays football disater...they've all pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and moved on. I think I will head to 4th street or 19th maybe. Ave. Q, Slide....(and some guy just spilled some really hot coffee...eveyone in the joint did that ussssslllllll noise where you suck in air with your teeth clinched..he's gonna be okay)

2005-10-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

Restart. Hit the restart button. Make that jumping screen show a clear picture again...and Why does anyone make stressed-out music....its just not right.

2005-10-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

So....when you only know how to juggle three balls and you have more than three...I guess you either learn how to juggle more really fast....or you end up dropping a lot of balls. Sorry to all those balls rolling around on the floor.....good thing they are not flaming sticks.

2005-10-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

Just remember: You eat an elephant one bite at a time........but you might have to blow it up first. Or at least kill it somehow.

2005-10-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all you Renegades who made it over last night. Oh, wait..I am the Renegade and you are the Deputy...or are you? Warren owes me a Socratic question though...and no dial-ins in the middle of the game. Lets do it again.

2005-10-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

You are invited to dessert, dark beans of the earth...roasted for brewing of thoughts on life. 8 pm. Friday, my place.

2005-10-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

I love fog rising, dirt roads, rugged grass, cooler weather,a nd friendly smiles expecting nothing in return. I love that God knows how I am formed...and that I am only dust.

2005-10-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

Rainy day bids the question: Maybe what Jesus was really scratching in the dirt was His strategic plan of how to reach lost people...

When I read Searching for God Knows What and Severe Mercy and Lewis...I just want to sit in a bar and talk about Jesus, or have dinner with my friends with a fire and a dog, or listen to a lonely old lady for a while. Somehow these musings don't seem to fit into the white collar ministry plan. But how do rag tags like us go about it all?

Where do I start? Maybe I can have people over for dinner on Friday....if you are reading this...you are invited. Bring a few bucks...Lord Knows I'm broke. Okay...how about..no dinner...just dessert and good coffee/tea...and a fire if its cold enough. Your invited: Dessert at my place 8:00 pm. Friday. Dont bring money...Ive got this one.

2005-10-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

So....I just saw this guy outside of Starbucks hunching his shoulders breaking today's colder air and lighting up Fall's first cigarette. If I were a smoker, I would have a long puff today and draw out the melancholy. I love Fall for that.

2005-10-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today stuff is stuck in my bag and I try to jerk it out and it snags. My muscles feel heavy and achy. I think this is how Libby feels most days. Anyway...Im tired and feel selfish and was glad when no one showed up to the focus group I was supposed to lead. I wonder what is at the root.

2005-10-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

You know...usually when I think about the ache for "intimacy" I think about the need to be known part....but tonight...it was more the need to know that got to me...Just wanting to be around people/someone that I know deeply...I know what makes them tick, and who they are, and what they dont like doing, and what I might even try to do that would help them...so right now...even though I am loving my Austonian life...I miss the not knowing deeply parts...and I dont know when I will have that again because it takes a lot of time and work to get there. It seems pretty close to a miracle really. So...I just move on around people that I like...but when do I get to know people again?

2005-09-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

2005-09-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Need to cut back...Oh, sweet temptation....$3.55 temptation.

2005-09-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

2005-09-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

2005-09-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

2005-09-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

2005-09-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

June Bug

My accent. Nieve? Ignorant? Simple minded? Ugly? Trashy?

This summer it became obvious that my Northeast Texas, small town accent does have implications on the way people see me, react to me, and receive me.

New York..leading the art portion of the project. Near the end of the six weeks a confession came out that yes...my accent had been a bit distracting in the beginning for some of the students. In the past week I have wondered...would a guy decide he didnt want to date me based on my accent? I know how seemingly inconsequintial the things are that make me decide if I like this or that person, coffee shop or shoe.Last night we went to see the movie June Bug. It involved a family from the south, a well spoken art buyer from Chicago and a perspective on small town people kind of as ignorant sheep. ( All you Christins dont start thinking of some analogy about the Good Shephard here...that isnt where this is going). The movie was actually more about the screwed up ways we seek and show love, being known, the human condition, and the ways we hide. We giggle and laugh as people who are a little more educated at the characatures before us...but for me...it is a little too close to home. I have never been ashamed of my accent, my family, my small town upbringing. Well, I guess I was in middle school and high school. Now...most of the time I forget that a lot of people don't have the same respect for home as I do. I also forget that they too are blindsighted like me about their own way of life. I forget that we reject people beacuse we fear what ugliness they migth impart on us.

2005-09-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Funny post: http://cinderella29.blogspot.com

2005-09-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

Went to Flipnotics with Richard, Meagan, and Justin..heard music...came back to car...there was a little messenger...

2005-09-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

sleepy mind Chubby heart...Illustrated by Libby

2005-09-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Im sittin in staff meeting right now...I really LOVE my team. I am having a great time on staff right now...weird.:) We have so much fun...and it really feels like we are committed to each other and trusting God, taking steps of faith, etc. YAY!!!

2005-09-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sleepy mind. Chubby heart. Somehow in the midst of back surgery and self focus, my heart started sitting of the sofa eating Doritos all day. I volunteered one day at the Red Cross and was regretful of signing up for the second...inconvenienced by it all. I need deep change...and eventhough I desire to be the hands and love of Christ to the dimly lit souls that pass before me...I feel powerless to do so and faithless to try. But, with resolve I will wake up tomorrow and slap my name badge on my chest and go at it again. I pray that God would speak to me and I would have ears to listen...persevering in love...beyond this sluggish, rainy day body.

I am encouraged about our ministry...I think we are moving towards faith again...